TERMS OF SERVICE AND END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT

PLEASE READ THIS DOCUMENT CAREFULLY. BY READING THIS SENTENCE, YOU HAVE ALREADY AGREED TO ALL TERMS CONTAINED HEREIN, AS WELL AS ANY FUTURE TERMS WE MIGHT INVENT LATER.

1. Acceptance of Terms

By accessing, viewing, or briefly thinking about our services, you agree to be bound by these Terms of Service. If you do not agree to these terms, it is too late. You already looked at it.

2. Modifications

We reserve the right to change these terms at any time, for any reason, without notifying you. It is your responsibility to check this page every five minutes to see if we have altered the agreement. Failure to do so constitutes acceptance of the new terms.

3. Your Data and Soul

You retain zero rights to any data, content, or personal information you provide to us. Furthermore, by clicking “Agree” (or by merely existing in the general vicinity of our servers), you grant us a worldwide, irrevocable, perpetual, and uncompensated license to use your likeness, your data, your pets, and your immortal soul for our marketing materials.

4. Cancellation Policy

You may cancel your subscription at any time. However, to do so, you must submit a cancellation request written in ancient Sumerian cuneiform on a clay tablet, delivered via carrier pigeon to our secret headquarters located somewhere in the Mariana Trench, on the third Tuesday of a leap year. If the pigeon gets lost, your subscription automatically renews for 99 years.

5. Liability

Under no circumstances shall we be held liable for anything, ever. If our service causes your computer to spontaneously combust, your dog to run away, or a tear in the space-time continuum, that sounds like a you problem.

6. Binding Arbitration

Any disputes arising from this agreement shall be resolved by trial by combat. The combat will take place in a location of our choosing, and our champion will be a genetically modified grizzly bear equipped with laser cannons.

7. Governing Law

These terms are governed by the laws of whichever jurisdiction is most favorable to us at the time of your complaint.

By scrolling down, you acknowledge that you have read, understood, and blindly accepted everything stated above.